Reflections - round and in shape

It was around this time last year when I first figured that I was pregnant. There were none of the typical filmy moments like puking and fainting and some vague doctor immediately predicting the 'obvious'. I was jittery from the very next day of having slipped my period. First few days after enlightenment went in a haze, a rude shock, bordering around some form of depression. It was a far cry reaction to what one sees in movies- you know, a coy wife, an elated husband, ecstatic family and all of that. Husband was not even in town when the enlightenment happened. Over a teary eyed telephone conversation, I broke the news and the response i got was "Shit!! Are you sure? Do you want to check again?"

After truckloads of counseling by mom, I breezed through most part of the 9 months. Almost to the extent of preferring to stay pregnant for the rest of my life. I loved my hair, my skin, the extra kilos, kicks in my tummy and every associated moment. But found my waterloo during labor. It was a marathon 16 hour one where all I remember was lying in an uncomfortable bed with needles all over me, with no food and writhing in terrible spasms of pain. When the ordeal was finally over and the doc announced it was a girl, I was in a moment of awe, elation, numbness, disbelief and relief - all blended together. So much so, that I did not touch her at all well into midnight (she was born in the afternoon).

And now my little girl is 4 months old (already!!) and an irresistible darling. Somehow, the agonizing hours of labor and the associated distresses preluding and post labor are almost forgotten. Its pure bliss to see her toothless grin reserved just for me when I get back from work. Yes! I am back at work and it breaks my heart every morning to leave her and go. Not that she makes it apparent then, but her reaction to my absence comes out in bizarre ways after I am back home. If I come back from work and not pick her up immediately, she throws a fit. She gets cranky if I get interrupted while playing with her. A momentary loss of eye contact is enough to set her tantrum-plug on.

I am not quite sure how to describe my state of mind. Of course, all the maternal instincts and such did not happen overnight. It took me considerable time to get to like her, to grow fond of her. There were days, rather nights when I could not stand the sight of her and have actually gone and slept in another room leaving her with husband or mum, when washing and changing nappies were the order of the day, when I was just reduced to a milk vending machine. Its all paying off now I guess. I like it when she gives me the 'special' treatment as compared to others. That her transformation from extreme crankiness to instant silence happens instantaneously when I pick her up. That I am the one she feels most secure with.

Sometimes, it feels like a promotion at work. A sudden new role and expectation that I wonder if I will live up to in the long run. I started off with a lot of apprehensions when I got pregnant and have managed to reach to this level. And all through this, I consciously set my mind to take things as they come and not think too much into future. And now I wonder if I have to do it for the rest of my life. :)

And last but definitely not the least, nothing gives me more pleasure than the fact that my pre-pregnancy clothes (which until a month ago did not go up my butt) fit me like a charm. I am back to shape finally!!! And with no exercising of any sort! Yay!! :D